May 2012
16 posts
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And so I continue to procrastinate
It’s tragic when you know that what you have has an inclination of failing and crumbling into ashes, but you choose to sit still and not work on it because you don’t feel like dealing with it, just yet.
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Ever have one of those moments where your self-confidence completely deflates? I have a couple of those recently and it’s really starting to wear on me.
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It's how you make me feel. →
How do I even begin to encompass everything that has happened, that has brought me to this perfectly placed place in my mind, in my heart, in my life? I do not believe there are any words for this. Nothing quite captures these feelings, nothing describes the beauty, no word is eloquent enough, and no word is good enough for this. This. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I must admit that I am...
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April 2012
21 posts
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Where am I going?
I don’t know but somewhere that’s not here. Somewhere where I won’t know that we just forget people and that’s the end of it. Somewhere I’ll think that I’ll hang onto people forever, because they’re worth hanging onto. A place where I can feel my ache and not feel sorry for it. Where I can think that I have it because someone gave it to me, and that...
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I'd dig a tunnel to the center of the Universe
Too many layers.
Too thick of a shell.
Too much weight: physically, emotionally.
Everything must go
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Live morbidly and die vitally.
Can happiness be a conscious choice? Can you say, I will not be miserable and stick to this resolution as if this were as easy as what to have for breakfast, or when to take a shower, or to wear pink on Friday and pull your hair up in a pony tail?
Can joy be imposed on one self as a mandatory sentence because you are trying your best to be “positive”? How many times I hear not to...
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Someday... but for now I will sit still.
I think I will let things sit for now. This feeling will eventually go away and I can start to feel myself again. It might take weeks, months, years, but I have to believe things will be okay. If I don’t… I just have to. People say, “you deserve better,” but this was better. They don’t see that. But maybe I’m not seeing something, at least not just yet. ...
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Life itself.
I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most...
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The Others
It is not a matter of who gets there first, or who has the longest history or who is kinder or better. It is a matter of timing, perfect in some ways, imperfect in others; that brings us to where we are today. A million of me pass through this highway at different times of the day, different years too. Sometimes I say I am too late or too early and bemoan about the mistiming of events but then, I...
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Not so strong without these open arms
Eyes closed in an empty house, pulling thoughts from the back of my mind. This is when I am most vulnerable; because I can convince myself of things I don’t really want or need or tell myself that “it is okay,” that “everything is okay” when they really are not. There are many other things needed to be done or attended to, but I am sitting here thinking, and all...
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March 2012
15 posts
9 tags
Detached.
Sometimes I just can’t validate my feelings or myself. Sometimes I feel I have no existence, although when I walk and spot my feet marching left and right, it becomes something of small proof that I am in fact animate. Sometimes I feel that what truly lives is what lies deep inside of the confinements of my outer flesh, and it doesn’t always declare itself for it is held captive and...
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And with that, takes flight.
The notion of fleeing arrives quietly. The heart, my heart, flutters in a burst of panic at the idea of leaving its once comfortable nest, then steadies. It steadies itself, perched so elegantly among ivory branches. It’s not the first time, it tells itself, and it’s not the last…
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Birthday Musings (3.19.12)
Now or then, here or there, we take things for granted. Like drinking a sip of water or breathing through the nostrils. I rely too much on memory, and the always reliable autonomic system. One slice of the outer layer and we are helpless and exposed. Pain lurks just beneath that thin epidermis; nerve endings hanging below the surface, waiting to shock us with the power of agony. Poke me now after...
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Hush.
I find it hard to put myself in this position, where I am giving too much so soon, not knowing whether you will end up on that list of past love. I dislike my thoughts, and these feelings. The fact that I am so unsure of myself, the fact that I cannot handle anything that may seem too good to be true, the fact that I am playing with fire. I’ve placed my heart in your beautiful soft hands,...
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There is nothing worth keeping me around, for. I promise you, I will not get better. I am horrible, and that is how I will stay. You’ll need more than a break to save yourself. Go; save yourself.
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There is change in the air, flowing through my...
Yes, there is change.
It floats on the breeze that sways the trees and shines with the rays of the sun. I am not entirely certain of what this change is to bring, or how it will manifest within me, but I do know of it’s arrival. Ecstatic from this realization, I find myself dancing in the most inappropriate places at the oddest times. Alas, I do not care, and I will not stop. Arms spread...
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With nothing but a white sheet of paper.
A white immaculate sheet of paper with the words I can’t speak in the pit of my pen, I appear crooked, seated in this chair and my thoughts are intricately placed in the ink. They are unspoken by my voice, inaudible to all ears and absent on the white sheet of paper. The window is cold on my fingerprints, but really there is no such thing as windows because I do not believe there is escape...
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Mishit.
I look you in the eye
and address you
as you shrink away
everyone does it
taking shamelessly
I run you out
a bullet dodged
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I have to keep myself alive.
I have to live for love. I have to have guts.
I can’t swallow myself and hide in my own belly for comfort. I have to face things.
I promise myself if I feel uncomfortable at all this year, I will not run away.
I will paint.
I will love.
I will fight.
I will tell people what’s on my mind.
I will write.
I will talk.
I will bleed.
I will cry.
I will climb hills and run down the...
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To the one who finds this...
I don’t know your name or where you come from.
I don’t know how you drink your coffee or whether you prefer the color purple or yellow.
I don’t know what you wear to bed or what your favorite song is.
I don’t know anything about you – but I do know one thing. You’re beautiful.
Love,
Seema
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Lost.
Standing in the middle of a sea of strangers overflowing from the sidewalks. Typical. Walk, because sitting and being idle makes it worse. Walk, because for some reason the person I was looking for disappeared or never showed up or maybe I was imagining him or her.